phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
