God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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