so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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