True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
