thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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