you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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