The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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