and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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