Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
