The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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