why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
