Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize