I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
