My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize