I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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