So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
