You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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