I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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