JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
