Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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