Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
