My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
