After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
