I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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