Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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