Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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