You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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