my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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