Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Why can't burritos get me drunk
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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