You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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