Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
