dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
