He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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