somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
