just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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