She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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