Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
