the condom got lost in my hair
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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