Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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