I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
