How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
