so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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