I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
