I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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