Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
