i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
