Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
