he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
