Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
