Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
