drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
