i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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