Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
