I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
