oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize