Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
