Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
