if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
