She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
