i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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